"Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish."~John Jakes

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Red Writing Hood: Mirror Image

"How dare you laugh at me?" Amber's voice is shrill as she speaks.

"How can I not laugh at you! You, with your flaming red clown hair? The black circles etched around your eyes and bleeding down your face. Your tawdry lips slashed with red goo. You? You embarrass me!"

"I do not. Take it back! I am not an embarrassment. I'm just...sad! He left me. Me! I poured my soul out to him, and he left me. Drowning in the bitter taste of my own salt. HE LEFT ME!"

"Don't you turn your back on me. Don't you ever turn your back on me! If it were not for me, you would still be living in that trash can I found you in three years ago, sleezing it up just for a bite to eat! No wonder he doesn't want you! Look at yourself! Go on. Look closer. You see there? That supreme lump of inefficiency? That's YOU. I'm surprised he stayed as long as he did. Little Miss Perfect, you think you are."

"I don't." her response came quietly.

"She's not. Leave her alone, Felice!"

"But look at her, Teach! She is whiny, and snuffly, and look! Even her nose has snot running out of it. She's so disgusting. Why on earth would he possibly want that...that child! When he can have a woman like me instead?"

"And why would he want a condescending cruel hearted bitch like you when there are plenty of nicer fish in the sea? Come to me, Amber. Don't listen to Felice. That's right. Let ol' Teach take care of you. There now, no more snot. No more tears. Let's fix your face up pretty. Yes. Oh, that's much better. So much better! If I do say so myself, you can barely tell you were ever crying. Well done!"

"Now who's the one laughing, Felice? Dare you say another thing to me now that I am strong? Well, do you?"

"Well. Good job, Amber. That shut her up. I truly expected more from Felice, but then again, she is all talk and no bite. Good riddance! As for you, Amber...How many times have I told you this is NOT a good color on us? No Reds. NONE. Oh, the pain you cause me as I tear at our lips to remove this hideous color! Oh to be rid of the lot of you!! Now come on. Look. Isn't this pearly pink such a nicer color? Our skin glows, our cheeks brighten. There. Perfection." Teach took one last look in the mirror, applied one last coat of lipstick, and smiled to the empty room around her.

"Now," she said, looking straight into the mirror, "let me show you both how it's done properly. Our poor Mr. Jeffries will never know what hit him."






Critique is welcome. Please help me grow as a writer.

--Stephanie, AKA The Drama Mama

30 comments:

  1. I knew there was more than just a conversation between 2 people...I suspected it was one person talking to herself.

    The chaotic, frantic feel of the conversation definitely works here

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  2. Oh, you have painted a perfect picture of crazy here. I feel all the frantic urgent energy of the situation and of the manic mind.

    Perfect.

    One spot that kind of jolted me out of the moment was the 5th paragraph. I don't think you need to say who is saying it.

    It is just fine on it's own. To say who is saying it, for me, jolts me out of the moment.

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  3. Oh, I like it. I love stuff like this. A little twisted, a little scary. Nice work!

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  4. Oh wow... what an awesome twist on the assignment. Really nice work. Creepy and scary, but nicely done.

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  5. This is nice but I got a bit confused in the middle... somewhere Let ol'Teach take care of you part... what happened there???

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  6. Teach is supposed to be the "teacher" personality, the caregiver with a sharp tongue. Amber is the weakest personality, in need of comfort that bully Felice is not giving. So, Teach "comforts" her other self. It all works in Teach's favor as she ends up the dominant personality, Felice fading as Amber stands up to her, and Teach's stronger personality overriding Amber's.

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  7. Such a perfect mess. You createad the crazy atmosphere really well.

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  8. I agree with all the comments about the manic atmosphere. I love this world you're making, and I suspect Teach may be just as, if not more twisted than Felice.

    My thinking? I think you should actually use some of the descriptive language as descriptors instead of actual dialogue.

    For example, instead of: "How can I not laugh at you! You, with your flaming red clown hair? The black circles etched around your eyes and bleeding down your face. Your tawdry lips slashed with red goo. You? You embarrass me!"

    Felice sneered, "How can I not laugh at you!" She glanced at Amber's flaming red clown hair. Black circles etched around her eyes, bleeding down her face. Her tawdry lips were slashed with red goo.

    She leaned in, her voice slicing the air with ice, "You? You embarrass me?"

    I'm certainly not saying that's anything good, but just to show you what I mean.

    Way to go, Stephanie. You have captured my attention for sure.

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  9. oh, how I love me some crazy. well done!

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  10. I think everyone likes a little crazy in their lives - especially if they're reading the crazy of someone else!

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  11. I loved this!
    Ok, first off I felt confused, but I seemed like that was intentional, I was supposed to be confused. Then at the end it pulled together nicely. I didn't realized we were dealing with multiple personalities; it was unexpected but realist. Does that make sense?

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  12. As I told you the other night, I absolutely love the ambiguity of this piece. Great job trusting yourself and your reader!

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  13. This has the perfect kind of crazy-feel to it. Really pulls you into the character and the lack of control she has.

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  14. I was a little confused at first but by the end it definitely all made sense. What a great idea! Good job!

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  15. I feel something crazy coming on...

    Stopping by from the red dress club.

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  16. I sense a little crazy in this one! Great dialogue! Stopping by from RWH!

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  17. I love the crazy! If this were a critique, I'd have to agree with what Nancy C said, although I suspect that you probably would have written it differently had it been a different assignment anyway.

    Very fun character(s) you've created!

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  18. Loved the crazy! It flowed really well at the beginning, then I was a tad lost, but it all came together well.

    I wonder if Mr. Jeffries is a real person, if so he better watch out!

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  19. this was really dramatic and interesting---i was confused at first, then realized i was kind of supposed to be. i think you did a wonderful job with it and i'm a new follower. thanks so much for reading MY post today!
    ;-)

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  20. It was a little confusing in the beginning, but I think, based on the situation, it should be confusing. Love the crazy! Great job with the prompt!

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  21. I get what nancy is saying, but of course this assignment was to do straight dialogue. Nancy's just trying to get you to cheat ;)

    You definitely do a good job with The Crazy. I think the problem is you're trying to stuff too much into each paragraph. Maybe less description would actually move things along faster, or make it a little less confusing.

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  22. I really like this. So interesting and dark. If I had to critique anything, I'd just wonder about talking in that much description - just because you don't typically hear conversation that detailed. But then you are using unusual characters, so maybe it works for them!

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  23. I didn't see the twist at the end coming which is always fun. And using an all dialogue piece to depict multiple personalities is very smart. Somehow it makes sense that you wouldn't have any descriptive language in between the personalities sounding off to each other. That would just create a self-awareness that probably isn't there. Does that make sense?

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  24. Well done, the "crazy" really came through!

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  25. Wow! Nicely done - especially the twist at the end. I liked how your dialogue gave us insight on the character of each of the personalities and how authentic your dialogue was that it came across as if though two people were actually talking to each other.

    Good stuff! And nice to meet you again!

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  26. Wow! Amazing! I didn't see the twist coming. Nicely done. I love the frantic nature of it.

    Here from Red Dress Club!

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  27. Aha! I had to read it a couple of times - I thought I was missing a key point. However, I finally accepted that it was 'mirror, mirror, mirror image'. A very new presentation of a very old condition! :D

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  28. It seems like it would be hard to "write crazy" but you did such a great job! How'd you do it? The scene is frantic, and I think you did an amazing job of helping the reader to step into the mind of this character. What are you going to do next with this?

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  29. Very nice depiction of crazy. I love what you did with this!

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Leave me some critique and help me grow as a writer. I love me some readers and their comments!